How Do We Survive?
I know you are sick of new age spirituality,
deepity quotes,
healers, lightworkers, “my new course just £3333”,
flippant comments,
“you just need to”, “try x”
positivisms, news feed “downloads of divine love”,
people trying so hard to be wise,
sharing “love” for clout,
I know that shit doesn’t pay your rent,
or bring back what you’ve lost,
or undo the wounds you’ve suffered today.
ㅤ
I know you feel sick of all the fluff
the words on screens that tell you how simple it is,
how you are love,
how to be happy, to be free, to manifest what you need,
that make you feel like it’s your fault
for being shackled by an imperfect reality,
and if you could just, “just” love yourself,
let go,
breathe,
it would be easy.
ㅤ
I know the world feels like it’s ending sometimes
that there is no hope,
conflict, famine, pandemic, corruption,
ignorance, inequality, world war 3,
death, suicide, waste, overconsumption, power, greed,
technology, the disconnect from our living breathing bodies,
our planet,
global warming,
conspiracy.
ㅤ
That last year the richest man in the world paid no taxes
as our Earth is dying
and millions are starving.
ㅤ
That a man in Russia just elected to kill countless people,
incite terror,
to place his name on another piece of land.
ㅤ
That it’s so hard to find someone really able to just hold you.
ㅤ
I know that insurmountable abyss that is hard to even bear,
the gap between here and saving ourselves
an ocean,
and I know it weighs on you
behind, between distraction, staying busy,
how much we worry for our world,
ourselves, our futures, our friends.
ㅤ
And I don’t know what to do either.
ㅤ
But I just went outside and I breathed,
scared and lost,
after last night my mother rejected me in my darkest moment,
I had told her I was feeling suicidal
and instead of meeting me with love,
she bludgeoned me,
and I felt the Spring air
and fell through all I had been trying not to see,
not fluffy, not spiritual, just breathing,
breathing in me,
with all my fear and wounds and misery,
and I know that I deep down felt I wasn’t worthy of my own love
and had shut down to myself,
and as I said hello with my breath,
as I said “yes”,
not as a positivity,
not forced,
just here, yes, you, this, me,
sobs and mess and tired and sore,
a yes to all that I hold,
I started to shift a little into the warmth
that might be called love,
felt something bright and right and real,
and close
and not so alone,
and laying back kicked my legs in the air
for a moment like a child in glee,
and I felt a ground come rush under to meet this feeling me,
and the crumpled path of my future unfurled a little,
open hands, new places,
maybe, again, ahead of me,
and I felt the warm air in my nose
like the most beautiful friend
I had missed for years,
a part of me like my hands or my eyes or my smile,
and I felt my heart,
and clasped my own fingers;
“hello Fin”,
“you have me”,
and I knew my heart was the world I was hurting for,
and I knew this mattered.
