Ego and Its Place: Loving Your Self
One of the greatest pitfalls of “modern spirituality” is that we’ve misunderstood the moving out of the ego to mean the dissolution of self-worth. In attempting to be without self, we may throw away any positive notion of being, a compliment that says “you’re lovely!” a thought that says “wow, I’m really good at playing guitar, or being kind, or making people laugh”, vigilantly on the look out for any “I am” and dismantling it before it can take root.
A person who refuses these positive conceptions of self is not awakened, they have garrotted themselves and will end up of no use to themself others, emotionally destitute, sick, living a life that is sullen and grey.
It’s ironic because usually the motivator for killing the self is to be a good person, perhaps in response to parental or societal wounds of being dominated and unseen, or being caught up in the spiritual “ideal” of egolessness, we want to live less selfishly and to be of service to others, yet this sort of egoic imprisonment is the very thing that keeps us from it.
It’s important to say first, for my own sake too, that having a sense of self is completely okay, it is impossible not to in this world, we’ve been diligently and patiently building it our whole lives, and having a healthy and strong sense of self is a blessing. There is something deep inside me that says “no, you’re not allowed to have a self! It’s bad, narcissistic”, stemming from the trauma of years of “healing” work trying to not have an ego, and a fear that I’ll be a self-centred piece of crap, like key people I’ve encountered in my life, if I allow it.
And then that when we dissolve the notion of self, what remains is not nothing, it is like the bird that sings for the morning and dips and dives blissfully through the treetops, the dog that wants to play and run and swim and adores you as naturally as breathing, or the tree that is strong and beautiful without trying, it is myriad wonderful qualities that are innate to being, this is not “ego”, it is Dhamma, the law of nature, that thrives in our bodies, as our bodies, and fills our world with beauty and love, as flowers bloom and sunrises colour the skies with delight. Enjoying yourself is too a bloom and rise of nature, not a sin. As long as we understand that it is all changing, rising and falling, and no sensation will be forever.
Many beautiful and sensitive souls are keeping themselves locked in their rooms, keeping themselves small, because they are afraid of the ego, afraid of being someone, dangerous or too much, because they care so deeply about being good, pure, they end up being nothing, and inevitably cause harm to others from their poisoned and cracked foundations, their needs unmet.
Hypocritically, when we throw out the positive sense of who we are, we often don’t have the same rigour with our negative formulations of “I am”, we may disallow the good, but let the bad multiply. For example we might cut down a thought of “god I am amazing!” but let “I am a piece of shit” thrive. This is perhaps because we fear the narcissism of “being full of ourselves”, but you can be full of hating yourself, too.
The people who care most, who we need most, are often the ones who feel the smallest, who close down to the highest degree. Questioners and thinkers, truth-seekers who are in pursuit of real goodness, you are needed in the world. Yes, our leaders are egomaniacs who have lost themselves in conceptions of grandeur and self, and I know you don’t want to be like that, but there is a space between being a narcissist and being nothing, nobody, a place of knowing our goodness, gifts and true, rooted, innate innate innate worth, and bringing it all to the world. Spill your light! We don’t need you hating yourself, we need you out here, loving you, loving life, loving others.
Here is a photo of me, not as a beacon of knowing light, but as a questioning human who struggles daily with the lesson of these words, too. Maybe, in line with this message, I will let myself say: perhaps a little bit of both.
